kaytieloves

yeah ryan, what happened to your gf?
oh wait, nevermind, more like, what happened to her bf.

wait, i know, he turned to a fuckin dick that would rather smoke weed then talk to the people that have been there for him, and he's rather lose everyone that doesn't do the same things as him.
really, do you realize how much you lost because you smoke weed? i hope you do, because you lost a fuckin lot.
and i'm fuckin glad i was right, because this is exactly what i said was going to happen.
you got obsessed with weed, and you. don't. care.
whatever, ryan. i hope you enjoy being high. don't come crying to any of us when things crash on you.
so yeah, fuck you ryan. fuck. you.
fuck all your promises, and fuck everything you were 'against'
fuck everything you said, and fuck everytime you said you love me.
your made out of complete bullshit, and you know it. go to fucking hell, you goddamn asshole.

Things are different, things are better. I can honestly say I've learned more from the past 4 months then I have in my entire life. I trust myself, and I believe in myself more and more each day.

Never leave your happiness to someone else. Never depend on someone to make you enjoy life, only you can. Its your life, take charge. I don't need anyone, or anything to make me happy. All I need is optimism, and a good sense a humor. Leaving your happiness to a boy is stupid, and you should kick yourself in the ass for it. I fully regret doing so. However, I don't regret regretting it. I had some of the best times, and life changing realizations with Chris, and even if he is the biggest lying, cheating, asshole to ever walk the planet, I want the best for him. I want him to be as happy as I am now, and more. I want him to find true love. I want him to be on top of the world. But even more, I want him to find that true love - and have her break his heart. I want him to know what its like to be dependent on someone, and to give them his all, and be shot down. I want him to experience what I did. I want him to be completely fucking miserable.

He's out of my life, and I've never felt more free to do what I want, without worrying about what he will think of me. I can do almost anything without feeling the guilt. 


I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy.
I hope I stay this way.
I love you.

 
i love you... so much :'(
sometimes i wish i didn't, just so it wouldn't hurt so bad.
but, i do love you. more then i ever loved anyone, or anything.
more then i loved james, more then i could love mentos.
i can't stand us not together. its not fair to me, us being 'just friends'
please just love me back... and show it :(
your the only person that can always make me happy.
i guess your also the only person that can make me miserable

 i'm sorry i haven't updated in a long while... things have been hectic.
my dads birth father passed away 2 weeks ago, we had to go to virgina for that. it was way cool meeting that side of the family for the first time. i love my aunts and uncles (:

things with me and will are done. we're both jealous bitches, ha. and yeah.

i had a boyfriend.. for nearly 3 weeks. we broke up last night.
but i've known him since november 2007, and really really liked him last april/may, and we saw each other again, and things just happened again.
i'm seriously in love with him. we broke up last night.
its a good, legit reason, but some parts of it arent. he has a lot going on in his life. he's trying to get custody of his kid that he otherwise won't be able to see, and his parents are having huge problems almost going bankrupt and fighting hardcore, and his sister is getting on his nerves about him graduating and everything.
but just to help that out, he joined a band? and i know this band, i dated the guitarist last year. and i know what they're like. they party, drink, and do drugs. complete opposite of chris. i'm afraid he'll get into it, and yeah. but this band also practices nearly everyday, and they party hardcore every weekend.
but i really need chris. he is my life, he means more to me then anyone before. i love him so much. he basically controls my feelings. he can make me feel like i'm on top of the world, or like a useless piece of shit. i just want him back more then anything. i'm miserable with out him...
i'd quit ever bad thing i do just to have him back. stealing, swearing, all my bad thoughts about suicide. everything. (thats as hardcore as a sxe person can get, ha sorry.) i'd drop it all if it meant i could have him.

christian andrew, even if you'll never see this, i hope i have the guts to say it to you, you are my life and you know it. you know how much you control me, and how much i want this to work out for longer then 3 weeks. you promised you wouldn't hurt me, but making me wait for you to be ready for us to be together again is killing me... i can't take it. i need you as more then a friend, and you know why. i can't stand this at all. i need you. your my life, and i love you so much. i love you more then i've ever loved anyone... and you know that. i miss the nights at your place, where we would just cuddle, and kiss, and laugh at stupid things. i miss laying on your couch almost falling asleep while you watched cartoon network. i miss everything and even though we were only officially together for a few weeks, they meant the world to me. i had never been happier. i've tried so hard to make us work.. i've tried to hang out, and i always can. you know i have no friends, and im always free to see you. but you never made the move to hangout... i don't get it. im sorry i get jealous, and im sorry i almost believe chelsea over you... i don't listen to a word she says anymore because its all shit. all she has to say is bullcrap against you, and she has no right to. she doesn't know you, and i know that. i won't ever listen to a thing she has to say about you, and i'll talk to you first if i hear something about you.
i trust you. i need you. i love you.
i need us to work... i need you in my life more then i've ever needed somebody.
you say we'll get back together... but i don't know when. i need to know its sooner then later. i can't wait forever, and i won't let us stop talking again. without you in my life, i'm completely lost and you know that.

I'm in port huron, yay fun.
Christmas with my dads side.
Got a book, bag, bracelet, gift card, and 100 bucks. Good year.

Things have been weird lately, but they always are. Me and Will are getting closer. I'd call him my boyfriend, but its not official yet. I'm mad at myself for how I acted friday night. I'll explain later. When my brother isn't behind me.

Chelsea's in ohio, then arizona :( I miss her, a lot.


Driving home (through the storm) when my dad gets back from dropping off my grandpa.
<3
<3
<3
i love life.
a whole fucking bunch.

I haven't updated in a while.


:X sorry.

I saw rise against 2 weeks ago, amazing. I almost cried. I want to meet Tim so bad... number one hero right there.

Will is being an asshole right now.
Seriously, why would he bring the girl he used to/still loves around ME, when he said he likes me so much?
The only thing keeping us apart is fucking age.
I honestly don't give a shit if he's 20. Age is a fucking number, and as long as we don't have sex (which we won't), its fucking legal.
Chelsea and Ryan broke up, that sucks. They'll get back together in a week.
:)

I still love life, I'm not dead.


and Will,
you know I think your the cutest.
The best,
The most amazing.
Stop being jealous. I don't love Chris, I'm over him. That was in April.
You know I only want you, so please. Want me, too.
(EDDDITTTT; the above is LIES. i was never over chris. i could never be over chris, at least, not any time soon at all.)

Last time I heard that you were coming home from rehab.

Last time I heard that, you promised money wouldn't be so tight.
Last time I heard that, you lied.

But I still believe you.
Please don't ruin it for me.

 I can't wait for another week when Shay LEAVES. She's stupid. Doesn't know anything. Doesn't understand the most OBVIOUS sarcasm, and is insulting, and I don't see why Isaac likes her.

The new Rise Against album is amazing, if you haven't listened to it you should just stab yourself know. Its amazing, of course, Tim McIlraths words never fail to make it to my heart.

Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse were great, and Breaking Dawn is amazing so far, as well. I want to stab myself rather then wait for the movie.

Hi Kyle Tran, why won't you remember your childhood. Why won't you look behind you once and a while, 20 bucks says I'm there.

 fuck you.
fuck you for dying.
fuck you for leaving us.
fuck you for even living.

I need you here. Your my best friend, my rock. You kept me laughing, you gave me motivational speeches, and made things better.
YOUR FUCKING GONE.
what the hell am I supposed to do now.
who the fuck do i turn to, to keep me smiling.
i need you dammit.
fuck cousins, if were still calling each other that.

 Is that an understatement? Could it really be considered just thinking? It seems so much deeper then that. Of course, whats a better word for thinking? Digging through your mind? That seems tacky. Discovering. That seems like a good one. Figuring myself out. Realizing who I really am. It could take paragraphs to describe how I honestly feel at this moment, though.

Truthfully, (I hate that word, reminds me of lies) I feel trapped, happy, guilty, depressed, and confused. Thats the oddest bunch of emotions I've ever had.

Trapped... Between a rock and a hard place (Simpsons movie much?) I love my father. I really really do. I don't think I could ever trust him again. He leaves to do some work, and I just think he's doing it again. What if he is? I don't want to even start to imagine the pain I'd have if that happened. Katrina means a lot to me. If someone wants to stop being friends with me, thats their choice. But I don't want to stop being friends with her. She understands the things I've been through, being through some, or most of them, herself. She relates.

I love my life, a lot. So much, I'm surprised I have spontaniously combusted from it yet. I've experienced a lot at a young age, I've laughed, and cried, more then the average teenager, and I know what its like to truely not care. I don't want it to stop, and I definatly don't want to forget it.

Before April, before this summer, before I really realized things, I thought guilty was just a word for the courtroom. The opposite of innocent. Not a feeling, emotion. Not something you live with. Guiltiness. I don't want that, but I've got so much of it in me. I've lied, hated, loved, cheated, and sinned. And of course, I haven't done my part in making things right, which I'm more then guilty of. I loved James, yes. I loved Chris, yes. I've loved twice- and I sure as hell can do it again. I cheated on Jared, yes. I loved every minute of it, yes. This are small things, to me. They may be big to others but I feel guilty that its my fault everything happened. Its my fault we didn't go to Detroit enough to know that Nick for sure loved us, too. I know he did. I wish I could prove it though. Its my fault I've lost so many friends, its my fault my dad went to de-tox for 5 days, its my fault Isaac doesn't know I love him, Its all my damn fault.

Do I hate my life? No. I just don't like it at the moment. Do I want to end my life? Definatly not. I just don't want to be alive for a week or two. I need a break from everything around me. From all the teenage bullshit.

I have so many fears. Honest, swear to god, fears. I'm afraid of forgetting, so I write myself 5 notes just to remember a pencil. I'm afraid of being murdered, so I stay away from doors and windows at night. I'm afraid of losing friends, so I keep many of them distant.




Thats how I feel. Free-handed feelings.

 GODDAMN YOU ISAAC
YOUR SO FUCKING BLIND.
I'M PRATICALLY IN FUCKING LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU FUCKING IGNORE ME FOR A GODDAMN SHORTASS JUNIOR?!
I DON'T CARE IF I'M YOUR GODDAMN 'BEST FRIEND'

AND YOU, SHAY
'HE'LL LIKE YOU, NOT ME BEST FRIENDS ALWAYS TURN TO MORE IN REAL LIFE ITS NOT JUST THE MOVIES'
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO ME TO BE MY FRIEND.
YOU KNOW I'VE LIKED HIM FOR A FUCKING YEAR NOW.
YOU KNOW!

Losing friends get old after the third or fourth one.
Religion, being a 'bad influence', death, or just for some reason going seperate ways, it gets old.
I lose friends like an irresponsible child loses fish.

My best friend, Katrina was grounded for 2 months after her mother found out some things. 
When she got ungrounded, she kept saying "we gotta hang out, we gotta hang out"
I tried to. I wanted to, I wanted to keep a friend thats gone through similar things as me.
She didn't try, the only person she tried to hang out with was Michelle, and girl that I want to be friends with, but always takes away my best friend. First Olivia, then Isaac, now Katrina.
I don't want that to happen.
I'm sick of losing friends.
She talks to me like we never were best friends. Thats what hurts the most.

I love my life. More then anything. I'm so fortunate, and I know it. I don't like being sad, but it seems like being sad comes with my last name.

I want how I used to be, back.
Before the accident, before they died, before dad went away, before all this started.
I don't want to feel the guilt of them being gone, I don't want the emptiness in me where my actual dad used to be, I don't want to be restless.
I just want who I used to be, back.
I sick of not sleeping right, feeling guilty, and apologizing for things that were never my fault.
One of the best things in my life were the boys I grew up with, and with Nick gone, I feel empty. He was my best friend, my brother.
My dad is the same person, doing most of the same things he did a year ago. I want to know he doesn't feel the same he did a year ago. I want my dad back.
Losing friends gets old, especially after the 3rd one. I'm just expecting it now. I don't want to lose friends. I want to gain them, I want as many friends has I had a year ago, and then some.
I don't like falling asleep at night, because I know its going to be short. It takes me hours to fall asleep. I want to lay down for once, close my eyes, and go straight into sleep. I don't want to be dependent on pills.


I want my life back.

Gratfulness and life. Hmmm.

My cats make me smile. Tetra's simpleness, and Sophie's bitchy persona.
Fortune cookies give me something to look forward to, whether it be a prize coming soon, or some dramatic happening.
I never appreciated reading untill recently. I read Twilight and New Moon this weekend :)
I don't know what I'd be without my brother Mike, honestly. He's the rock that got me through April, he got through a lot.
My moms pessimism is pretty amazing. How can someone that is surrounded by greatness, be so negative about anything? Proves to me that nothing is impossible.
The endless possibilites for commericals on tv. I wish I had that creativity.
I could drink Jones for the rest of my life.
What If questions keep my awake all the time, mostly in class but I still appreciate them.
Thinking about colors, and how they came to be, is exciting.
Trying to expert the art of sleep is something I'll never reach, but who's stopping me from trying?
How people can be civil enough with each other to call others 'best friends' scares me.
Death. How people can just let themselves die, or even kill themselves.


This is an extremely unorganized entry, if you can't tell.

Taylor's alright :) She had an infection, but they got it. I talked to her last night on aim, about her pills haha, she has a melted chap stick flavored one, and one that the taste doesn't go away for like 10 minutes.

I have a cold :( I went home early yesterday, but me and my dad just ended up going to Social Security office to get me a new social security card, and then to secretary of state to get my permit. The lines were sooo long. But we went to taco bell too. And a Taco Bell commercial just came on tv, hahah. But I had TWO volcano tacos. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust they were so hot. But soo delicious.

But yes. I'm sick, bored, and tired. :(

Taylor could die.

One of my best friends, Taylor, went to the hospital last week for an emergency surgery to take out her appendix. She got out of the hospital on Sunday, only to return recently, because her incisions are infected. If it gets bad enough, it could possibly kill her. I have no idea what I would do if she died. She's strong, I know that. But this, is nearly out of her control. I'm confident that the doctors can stop it, hopefully. She's my best friend, I need her. Katrina and I are going to see her this week.

I'm afraid I'm not good enough. For my friends, my family, even people I don't know. I'll see someone in the hall, and just think "I can't be friends with them, they're too good for me." I'd like to be friends with those people, but it just seems that's not acceptable. Then I get to thinking, what do they think of me? Do they think the same of me? I sure hope not. I'm not a good person. Honestly, no one is.

What if they think I'm ugly, and if they're seen talking to me, they'll be known as a loser for the rest of they're high school career? I sure hope that isn't true. I constantly worry about what people are thinking about me when I walk down the hallways. I envy those who are fully confident in themselves.

How can one not worry about how they look, or care about what others think of them? I've always been self-conscious, and I don't see how others can't be. How can you walk down the hallway, and be completely sure that others are thinking good about you?




I've heard i'm a good writer, but i don't really see it. what ever.
for once, i am one with myself. i am completely happy where i am, and i don't think i'd change a thing. everything that's happened this year has made me who i am. Yes, i miss Nick and Jordan more then anything, but without losing them, who would i be? i'd be a greedy, self-centered bitch i think. I have experienced first hand what its like to have something ripped away from you. its the worst feeling in the world, but i wouldn't change who i am for all the money in the world.

Hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel
My eyes won't let me hide
'cause they always start to cry
'cause this time could mean good-bye
Oh yes
Good-bye.


Yes, I cut off the first line of the chorus. If you know what song that is, bravo to you.

Lately, things have been weird. My parents have been fighting, and my dad got so pissed off, that he took Xanex that next day, with is the 3rd most prescribed drug in the world, and its for anxiety. But he picked me up from school early, and hit a mail box, and shit just hit the fan, y'know? I told my brother, my brother told my mom, my mom talked to my dad and me and my brother got in trouble. bullllshit.

But I started school. So awesome. First hour, I have English with Taylor and Jasmin, and my new found and very annoying friend Zac. Second hour I have Video Communication with Zac. 3rd hour, World History with Sara, 4th is Geometry which I have with Ian, Alec, and Areonna, and this very cute boy named Spencer :) and 5th I have Sculpture with Kyle Tran..
Oh jeeze, Kyle Tran. Cutest kid ever :) No doubt 'bout it.

I also started Drivers Training. Which I'm about to go to in about 15 minutes. I drive today. 2nd drive :) I drive with Steve this time though. Last time I had Dean, this really cool old guy. But, I'll do fine :) I have it with my brothers friend Jake, too.

I'm loving life :) Katrina's grounded though, she told her mom she's pregnant. That must be horrible..
I'm with her every step of the way though. Shes my best friend - and I support any of her decisions. Good or bad.
I'm not for, or against, abortion. I believe it is the women's choice. I'm sure if I was in Katrina's spot, I'd get an abortion.

But, leave comments. I must go.

My just-barely-fifteen year old best friend just gave me the news that she may be pregnant with a 18 year olds baby.

I'm getting much use out of this, I love it. ^.^

I had an orthodontist this morning, 8:20am, woo! Not much to say, buttttt, Vin Diesel is on TRL :) yumm. Haha.


Talk to me! Anyone! I loooove talking :)


redvmWOAH EDIT :)
Yesss, and edit.
Today was grand. I had the orthodontist appt, then came home and played with my new kitten. Then took a very long, and much needed nap.
After dinner, my mom took me to the mall and bought me a few pairs of jeans and some shirts. :) I needed jeans VERY badly. I only have one pair, that are torn up.
Tetra, the kitten, is playing in the Macys bag, its cute, she's kicking its ass.
My brother downloaded me a bunch of music, which I am VERY greatful for, its all the stuff I've been listening to recently, I love it :)